What Not To Do At Shinra
by Chaos Silk
Summary: Collab fic with Chibi. Terrorists bombing their reactors? No problem. Monsters swarming the city? No sweat. Hojo summons demons inside the building? We have a big problem. Eventual shonen ai, randomness and violence.
1. Prologue

What Not To Do At Shinra

By Chaos Silk and Chibi WingZero

Warnings: Beware of yaoi, snarkiness and humor. Also Demons.

Notes: This is a coauthored fic, roleplayed out on a certain forum. Updates will come when the roleplay passes over a page, or when we hit a good spot.

Chaos- Seph, Reno, Tseng, Reeve, Rufus, President Shinra, Scarlet

Chibi- Zack, Angeal, Genesis, Zack, Hojo, Rude and Cloud.

Shared- Elena, Heidigger, Palmer.

* * *

For some odd reason, Hojo felt compelled to leave the sanctity that was his lab to venture (gasp) outside the ShinRa building for the procurement of books. He, being the superior being, felt no need to peruse such inferior reading material, but today happened to be different. He knew the various components of the human body as well as different animals. So on his trip to the bookstore, he browsed the various shelves for anything worthy of HIS attention. After awhile, he found a large old leather book. Normally, as a scientific man, he wouldn't consider it as it was old and didn't look sanitary, but his curiousity got the better of him. He found himself drawn to the literature like Reno to a fire.

Picking it up, he found it was a book on witch craft. He thought about putting it back, however, he became fascinated with the various spells. These were things he couldn't do with science alone. Perhaps, he could find a way to combine the two so he could become the most powerful man! Not to mention the smartest.

So for the next few days, Hojo kept himself locked in his lab only leaving to eat and shower and of course, use the toilet.

On the third day, Hojo unleashed something no man, woman, or child had ever seen. He unleashed true monsters.

* * *

This Prologue has been brought to you by: Chibi.


	2. In which inanimate objects attack

What Not To Do At Shinra

By Chaos Silk and Chibi WingZero

Warnings: Beware of yaoi, snarkiness and humor. Also Demons.

Notes: In which inanimate objects attack Reno.

Chaos- Seph, Reno, Tseng, Reeve, Rufus, President Shinra, Scarlet

Chibi- Zack, Angeal, Genesis, Zack, Hojo, Rude and Cloud.

Shared- Elena, Heidigger, Palmer.

* * *

Reno eyed his desk nervously, trying to decide what to do. A rather large stack of paperwork had been set right square in the middle of it, with a post-it note bearing the word 'Urgent' scrawled across it in large, brightly colored letters. There was no way he could pretend he hadn't seen it, and he wasn't allowed to... dispose of stacks bearing that post-it note, but...

He didn't want to waste the day filling out useless mission reports that would be filed away in some dusty cabinet and never looked at again. He jumped as a shadow passed over the doorway, staring at it warily as he prepared to throw himself under the desk when it opened. After a second, it passed, making no sound, leaving him confused and with a large, unfinished stack of paperwork on his desk.

Reluctantly, he sat down, spinning the chair around once before grabbing his pen and attempting to get to work.

It would be the biggest mistake he had made all day.

The 'shadow' smirked upon finding his latest prey ever since he unexpectedly arrived at this new world (or dimension whatever). Something or rather someone had summoned him from his cozy home, and he wasn't too happy about it either. He was going to enjoy a nice relaxing bubble bath when he was summoned. Good thing he had his clothes on and hadn't taken off his weapon. If that happened, someone was going to pay dearly.

After exploring the building for a bit, he found himself quite bored until he stumbled upon this cute (and jumpy) red head. It wouldn't take much to push him over the edge. Now what out of his arsenal of spells could he use?

Well, the red head seemed to be quite interested in those papers on his desk. The papers were rather harmless with the exception of paper cuts so... He eyed the desk itself. Now if it were to come alive, he wondered how the red head cutie would react. With a wave of his hand and the spell, he caused the desk to come alive and bare its teeth at the unfortunate human.

Jerking away from his desk, and trying not to fall out of his chair, Reno brandished the only weapon he had at the piece of furniture which had only now decided it wanted to try and eat him. He always knew that it was only biding its time to attack, he only wished that it had chose a time when he was armed with something other than a pen.

But...

At least murdering his desk, which had suddenly grown fangs and teeth, was a good reason not to do his paperwork. With a smirk on his face, he stood up from his chair, running his fingers over the contain materia in the bangle tightly bound to his wrist as he prepared to cast Flare on the unfortunate object.

With a flick of his wrist and a single word, the fanged creation was engulfed in flames hotter than a thousand hells.

And just for the hell of it, he threw his pen at it too.

No girlie shrieks. No running around. No nothing. The guy just torched the animated desk. He wondered if the red head was an elemental user. As for him, he wasn't going to say or indicate what element he used. That would be a surprise. It contradicted who he was supposed to be, but... that made it all the more fun.

Using the same spell, he casted it upon the innocent chair near the red head. Actually, it was the one he sat upon when he tried to complete his paperwork.

Said chair came to life and took a large bite out of the red head's rear, sharp fangs and all.

"Goddammit!!" Reno yelped as sharp teeth embedded themselves in his ass. He snarled, turning around to beat the hell out of Dark Nation when he found himself faced with something he had only expected to see in his nightmares.

There was a chair biting him on the ass. It took him several seconds to comprehend that he was 1.) really seeing this and 2.) he was not dreaming, as the pain in his butt could well attest. However, just in case, he kicked the chair away -wheels made it easier- and cast Esuna on himself.

The chair was still there, fangs and all, and, dare he say it, it was even foaming at the mouth. He was suddenly really, really glad that Esuna cured even rabies. He sighed, wondering if Tseng would believe that his furniture had really attacked him this time -as opposed to the time when he had decided he hated his furniture- before readying another spell.

This time, it was just a simple Fire3 spell, less powerful than flare, but still as effective at turning the furniture into slag. With another flick of the wrist -distantly, he wondered where he had put his rod-, the chair was melted into a pool of charred fabric and melted plastic and metal.

The current enemy dispatched, he started to gaze suspiciously at the other objects in the room, specifically, the potted plant he had always sworn was going to kill him in his sleep.

After Reno's colorful vocabulary, an amused but dark laugh echoed throughout the room, seemingly without an owner. Without many places to hide, it limited the space a person could occupy, however, this person was more than human. He was supernatural.

Ah, the chair bit the dust too. It seemed he would have to pick better toys if he wanted to give the cutie a run for his money or rather get him running out of the room, screaming like a lunatic. Said red head was eying the potted plant. He could cause the vegetation to come to life, but that would take the fun out of it since the red head was expecting it. Instead, he somehow managed to make the red head's pants fall down, pooling around his ankles before whispering near his ear in a seductive voice.

"Hey there cutie. Are you just as red down here too?" Without warning an invisible hand, groped Reno's precious parts before retreating and laughing like a madman.

"Oh for the love of..." Reno swore as his pants fell about his ankles, trying not to listen to the disembodied laughter as he bent down and tried to pick them up before someone burst in and saw his underwear. He froze, recognizing the feeling that someone was about to molest him.

"Hey there cutie. Are you just as red down here too?" A voice whispered in his ear, the redhead shuddered, hating the feeling of people breathing on his neck. Without warning, he was squeezed in a place no male should ever squeeze another without permission. Only years worth of experience kept him from shrieking like a little girl.

He glanced about, eyes wide as he tried to identify his assailant and coming up with the idea that...

"Oh.... shit. Hojo's unleashed invisible sex demons into the building." And with that, he took off, tearing out of the room and towards Tseng, who surely would know what to do.

Behind Reno, the laughter continued. The invisible being was just having too much fun with the red head, but... maybe he could find another target, someone much easier. Eh, why was he invisible when there was no one else in the room? It took up his energy keeping the spell up. In less than a second, a pale being with pure white feathers appeared out of nowhere. He stretched out his feathers, unaware of any hidden cameras before opening the window and jumping out, leaving a single feather in his wake.

A dark haired SOLDIER sighed as he made his way to the Turk area. Normally, he would send it through the interdepartment mail, but this had to be personally hand delivered to the head of the Turks. It was a report on the latest terrorist attack, which was handled by SOLDIER since it required a lot of muscle.

His sharp hearing picked up a very odd conversation. He could tell the red headed Turk was involved, however, the second one eluded him. Did they hire another one? Perhaps, it was one of the Turks he had yet to meet. Either way, he wasn't prepared for the red head bolting and running straight into him.

Thankfully, with his weight and the weight of the buster sword kept him up right. "Invisible sex demons?"

* * *

[TBC]

I don't suppose anyone would like to join the forum this is roleplayed out on? We'd love to have some open-minded, literate members. Or, if you don't like to roleplay, you could see more of this before it's even posted here, as Chibi and I move rather quickly.

Reviews amuse us, and encourage me to go through the hell of transferring the entirety of the roleplay into a document FF.N, so, more good/constructive reviews = faster updates.


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